Day 7 : Not Great

At least I have an outlet for whining and complaining now.

Today was another pretty bad day. I get to hear that my best friend, you know that one I keep calling my best friend, made plans to go to the beach this weekend with three other girls without mentioning it to me. I got to hear about it through Facebook. The great thing about that is, I actually do have a babysitter this weekend, and now just no friends to share it with.

I am really, really starting to think something is going horribly wrong in my life. Why are people doing this to me? I just don't understand, and pretty soon, I'm going to just have to start asking. I tell her all the time that I feel left out, and she makes no apologies or excuses. I think it might be because we work together four days a week. She begged me to give her this job, and I had so many reservations, but I did it anyway. And now I suddenly only see her one night a week outside of work. Like since we see each other at work all the time there's no need to actually make plans with me and hang out with me outside of work. I don't know if she gets that, but my God, if that is the case, if she feels she sees me enough, or too much, I'll go crazy. I already feel like I am going crazy.

I just don't think people see my life for what it is - lonely. Yes, I have a child, yes that means I have company all the time, but mature company? Company that converses with me about things that are going on, things that I want, things that I've done, things that I want to do - no. Five nights a week, here I am, sitting here alone. And by the way, is there ONE mommy blogger out there who doesn't have a boyfriend or husband, and is happy being alone all the time? JUST ONE?? Please let me know if you find her, if she's out there.

My mom can see it. I see her once a week and I know she can see it that I'm upset and she calls it "depressed." When I think of people with depression, I think "Sad for no reason - sad in spite of all the great things going for them in their lives." I know, I mean I KNOW with conviction that I'm not depressed. I'm unhappy. I think that's worse.

Now it's nearly 11pm and Squido is still awake upstairs. I put her to bed around nine, and two hours later I can still hear her banging around in her room and I can't decide whether to go back up there and tell her she needs to lay down and go to bed, because I think it might be better for her to let her just do her thing and poop herself out than it would be to go in there and get her mad and upset if she will still insist on not wanting to go to bed. However, Elmer is either locked in there with her, or he ran out the door last time I had it open and we'll never see him again. Let's hope she let him in her room and locked him in there - I suppose I best go up there and check on her and get him out.

Oh, blog, oh world. Will one of these days come along when I'll wake up in the morning content with what I have and not be left wanting for so much more? I hate remembering back to the days I know I was happy, the days I didn't feel like this at night, so hopeless alone. It makes me so angry that those days are gone, and that I can't seem to find a way to get them back.

I need better friends. I need new friends.