Day 1 : The Why

Back when I was in high school, which I graduated from just nine years ago, I started writing online on diary-x, and that is where I wrote most honestly and openly about my life and all of my feelings, like blogging should have always been about. Then something horrible happened and diary-x broke, and all of my writing, all of those posts that spanned over three years of my life, from senior year until two years after, were lost. Writing online just hasn't been the same since.

I guess the problems started when I invited friends to read my blog. I thought maybe those friends would follow in my footsteps and write along with me, but for the most part, they didn't. They read, they judged, they sometimes commented, but not much. I started to feel like everyone was watching me, and not in a good way. Writing as an outlet started to feel more like writing to put on some kind of show. I stopped saying things that really meant anything, I stopped writing about things I really thought and felt because I was afraid of what people my thing, and turns out, I still feel that way.

I am not sure what made me decide this yesterday, but it was last night that I decided I was going to start a new blog somewhere else and try to remain anonymous as long as possible and not let any real-life friends and family know about this blog. I want to be able to say what I feel like saying, and if I am judged, at least it will be by people who haven't already formed opinions about me for the last however many years, and it won't hurt, and it won't make me afraid.

I want to make friends here, I want to make friends online, people who want to do the same thing I want to do - which is be truthful, open, and free. With that said, if you are reading, please comment. Please let me know you are out there listening to me.

I suppose remaining completely anonymous isn't possible, and of course I'm going to tell you some things about me. I have a daughter. She's three and a half years old now, and we shall call her Squido on this blog. Why? It's just a nickname I have for her - I always call her "Kiddo, my squido," which makes no sense and there is no rhyme or reason for it -- well, there is rhyme, isn't there? I live in Southeastern Connecticut in a shoreline town. I don't mind it here, except for the winters, which I hate because of the snow. I work for an online store, managing everything from the database to customer service and order processing, and I love my job, although I don't think I am being paid what I am worth, which is something I've been griping about a lot lately.

Squido's dad and I are not together; we broke up while I was still pregnant, and he sees her two days a week. We do not get along, I do not like him or appreciate his company so it makes things hard, and I hope that we can work something out before Squido gets older and starts to realize the extent of the animosity between us. Besides my daughter, I am, essentially, alone. This is my biggest gripe, something I am sure I will be writing about a lot, and often, because I'm very lonely all the time and quite sad about it.

Twenty minutes to go before today turns into tomorrow. Probably no one will ever read this first post of mine, but if you do, again, please comment and let me know. That's what I am here for.

I do intend to try to post once a day *at least* every day, or a doctor's note. However, I fully reserve the right to use my doctors notes on days that I am actually out having fun and nowhere near a computer to be able to update. I won't lie. I won't lie here on this blog.

My page is pretty sparse and I do plan on adding to it as the days go by, but I swear I am going to try to go at least six months without changing the layout - that is something I have always done on my other blogs, switching back and forth before I get bored. This whole thing, a daily blog, is a study in dicipline as far as I am concerned, so I am going to try my damnedest to stick with it.

See you on the flip side...