Day 2 : The Sickness and The Fear

So my daughter, Kiddo my Squido, was quite sick last night and today. I went out to dinner last night at a local diner with my friends Rachel, her son Gabe, and her boyfriend Brad. I had just picked up Squido from daycare before going to the diner, and she had a great day there - spending all day in the preschool room playing with the big kids, no accidents, she was happy and excited to be eating pancakes soon on the way there. Just as I finished cutting up said pancakes and she poured on her own syrup, Squido suddenly clung to me and put her head on my chest. She said she had to go potty, so I took her to the bathroom where she peed quickly, and then afterwards tore off her sweatshirt (the air conditioning makes it freezing in there). She looked all sweaty, and I thought she had just gotten warm, but I knew in the back of my mind there was something wrong. But, she wanted her pancakes so we went back to the table. Within 2 seconds of sitting down, before she could even take a bite, she power puked all over herself, the booth, and the floor. Luckily none hit the table!

Needless to say we skipped dinner, and went home. By the time I got her home I realized that she had a fever - I swear this was the fastest developing sickness of her life because she was FINE an hour before - and tried to convince her to take tylenol, but she refused (We have such a hard time with taking medicine.) A few minutes later, as I was in the kitchen squirting liquid tylenol into a juice box (works like a charm every time) she ran into the kitchen, and immediately puked on the floor. Then she ran to the bathroom door and she puked on the floor. Then we got into the bathroom and she puked on the floor, and on her bare feet. Yay! I will never know why this kid refuses to barf into buckets/bags/toilet, etc.

We got her cleaned up and I got her to drink down her special juice box, and she immediatly laid down on the couch and went to sleep. Her fever must have spiked and broke because I woke her up two hours later and she was covered in sweat, but she took more tylenol and then I put her to bed for the night.

When we woke up this morning I knew Squido still wasn't herself. We set ourselves on the couch and put in our first movie of the day (I think I watched eight kids movies today) and Squido didn't leave the couch all day, sleeping on and off for hours at a time, and eating and drinking just enough for me to feel comfortable. She's sleeping soundly now, and hopefully will be all better by tomorrow because I think it is just the 24 hour bug that I hear has been going on around here lately.

I have been doing a lot of websurifing lately and finding new blogs to read. I know I am going to sound naive here, but I just can't believe how many blogs are out there written by parents who have lost babies. When I was 32 weeks pregnant with Squido I went into early labor and had to be sent to the hospital where I was kept there on monitors and terbutelene(sp?) for two days. There were a lot of doctors coming and going and telling me about the various risks to her health if she were born then, and particularly any time before 35 weeks. I was terrified that something horrible was going to happen, that I was going to lose her. But I didn't. I was put on bedrest for four weeks, and didn't do anything but go from the couch, to my bed, to the bathroom. At 36 weeks they let me start moving again. At 38 weeks Squido was born healthy.

There's so much pain here on these blogs - sometimes it's too much for me to take, thinking about all the what ifs. I didn't know anything about being a mother when Squido was born, I was not prepared for it. I feel like.. no, I KNOW that I didn't have very much of a bond with Squido before she was born. I wasn't excited to be pregant, I was terrified. Terrified I would do everything wrong, terrified of her hating me, terrified of the fact that underneath it all, this was an unwanted pregnancy and the troubles that I had with her father while still pregnant did nothing to help the situation or my feelings toward it. But then, when she was born.. Suddenly all I was terrified of was her wellbeing. Would she be okay? Is she okay? From the moment she was born I was scared - scared of losing her. It was like I was born to be scared of losing her, like everything I had ever done in my life lead up to preparing to handle the fear, the immobilizing fear of being a mother to someone who you love so much it would kill you if you lost them. I live with that fear every day, still. I don't think that it will ever go away. But God, what if those fears were ever founded?

My heart goes out to all you parents who have lost your babies. I know it may sound trite and small, but really. I wish I could hold all of your hands, and please know that even though I don't know you and don't know how you feel, I feel with you anyway.

Oh, what a weird blog post. I hope that I don't keep going on and on about this for months, but for the record, I never would have written anything like that on my other blog. If you want to know a secret, that was the first time I ever called Squido's conception "an unwanted pregnancy." I thought it would make me feel dirty, bad, and horrible. But actually I feel like a weight just lifted off of my shoulders, because I know that it is true, and I'm okay with that, because for some reason it makes me feel like I love her even more. It's weird that I can be detached from that thought. Because I would never give Squido up - I can't imagine not having her in my life and I would be completely lost without here. But it feels good to admit that having her was not what I wanted at that point in my life. To say it and not feel bad about it. How many more moms are out there who feel the same way?

My wrist is starting to really cramp up and hurt.. I do too much typing every day. I hate to stop like this, because I have a feeling that this is a subject I am going to have to come back to again, and maybe again and again.