Day 9 : Doctor's Note From AT&T

To whom it may concern:
Ms. Anonymous could not get her post online on Saturday, August 1, because her internet connection was down. This is due to the fact that AT&T totally sucks her balls, and she loses service completely at least once a week, even though she pays a hefty $50 a month for said internet service. Ms. Anonymous has since given me, AT&T, an ass whooping, and now we are back to our regularly scheduled posting.
~AT&T

Here is the post I wrote yesterday, damn AT&T!!!


So far today has been a better day than most I have had lately, and it's not over yet! Squido's grandmother has been watching her since one this afternoon, and in that time, I have done the following things:

• Walked downtown to my favorite coffee shop and unexpectedly met up with a bunch of my friends
• Walked to the Tavern for a lunchtime beer and delicious cheeseburger - only costing me $6.00!!! Woohoo what a steal!
• Walked farther downtown with two friends, windowshopping and playing tourist in our own town. I bought three things on our journey: A wallet made by women in Ghana out of plastic bags from the Free Trade Store, a string of flat green shells I want to hang in my room, and a teeshirt from the Salvation Army store that has Abe Lincoln on it. SCORE!
• Then walked back to the coffee shop, had some delish fruity iced tea
• Met up with some different friends
• Convinced friends that it would be the perfect day to go to Friendly's because they are having the meal, drink, and dessert deal for $9.99
• Friends catered to my whim regarding the food
• Came home, have had two beers and am watching XFiles.

A great day so far! I may or may not go out to the bar tonight. I am not sure if I feel like it because I have a bit of a headache and I know Squido's grandmother is dropping her off at nine in the morning and I am not going to get much sleep if I do go out, and then not have a very good day tomorrow. Anyway, a friend of mine is coming over here now so I must sign off and be better company to him.

Day 7 : Not Great

At least I have an outlet for whining and complaining now.

Today was another pretty bad day. I get to hear that my best friend, you know that one I keep calling my best friend, made plans to go to the beach this weekend with three other girls without mentioning it to me. I got to hear about it through Facebook. The great thing about that is, I actually do have a babysitter this weekend, and now just no friends to share it with.

I am really, really starting to think something is going horribly wrong in my life. Why are people doing this to me? I just don't understand, and pretty soon, I'm going to just have to start asking. I tell her all the time that I feel left out, and she makes no apologies or excuses. I think it might be because we work together four days a week. She begged me to give her this job, and I had so many reservations, but I did it anyway. And now I suddenly only see her one night a week outside of work. Like since we see each other at work all the time there's no need to actually make plans with me and hang out with me outside of work. I don't know if she gets that, but my God, if that is the case, if she feels she sees me enough, or too much, I'll go crazy. I already feel like I am going crazy.

I just don't think people see my life for what it is - lonely. Yes, I have a child, yes that means I have company all the time, but mature company? Company that converses with me about things that are going on, things that I want, things that I've done, things that I want to do - no. Five nights a week, here I am, sitting here alone. And by the way, is there ONE mommy blogger out there who doesn't have a boyfriend or husband, and is happy being alone all the time? JUST ONE?? Please let me know if you find her, if she's out there.

My mom can see it. I see her once a week and I know she can see it that I'm upset and she calls it "depressed." When I think of people with depression, I think "Sad for no reason - sad in spite of all the great things going for them in their lives." I know, I mean I KNOW with conviction that I'm not depressed. I'm unhappy. I think that's worse.

Now it's nearly 11pm and Squido is still awake upstairs. I put her to bed around nine, and two hours later I can still hear her banging around in her room and I can't decide whether to go back up there and tell her she needs to lay down and go to bed, because I think it might be better for her to let her just do her thing and poop herself out than it would be to go in there and get her mad and upset if she will still insist on not wanting to go to bed. However, Elmer is either locked in there with her, or he ran out the door last time I had it open and we'll never see him again. Let's hope she let him in her room and locked him in there - I suppose I best go up there and check on her and get him out.

Oh, blog, oh world. Will one of these days come along when I'll wake up in the morning content with what I have and not be left wanting for so much more? I hate remembering back to the days I know I was happy, the days I didn't feel like this at night, so hopeless alone. It makes me so angry that those days are gone, and that I can't seem to find a way to get them back.

I need better friends. I need new friends.

Day 6 : Not Feeling It

I think one of the biggest reasons I started this blog was to find people to talk to, to hopefully make some good online friends that I can chat with when I want to, and who genuinely like me and like me being around, even if it's just online and on their websites and their email inboxes. I haven't been feeling much love from my "friends" lately at all.

I have been left out of things so much and so often lately, I think I am starting to develop a complex about. Like people are conspiring and talking behind my back about me, like they don't really like me around or like my company but they aren't big enough to just come right out and say it. In the past two weeks I have missed: a lunch hosted by my best friend, who never calls me on the weekends, a bachelorette party that I wasn't told about until the day before when it was too late to ask for a baby sitter, a trip to Six Flags that no one cared to invite me to because they were planning on going on a weekday and I work weekdays (obviously not knowing I'd love to take a day off of work to ride some rollercoasters, something I love to do but haven't been able to do in years because last summer I got boned out of a lot of trips also) and finally, having a place to stay at a wedding of a friend I am going to next weekend. Again, my friends, my "best" friend included, all booked hotel rooms for themselves and didn't even ask if I wanted to share a room, and didn't even let me know that they were booking them. So now, I might be the ONLY one of our friends at this wedding with no place to stay. I've already been told by people that it doesn't matter anyway because we will probably be up all night partying, but what about after? I get to sleep on the floor of someones room, because no one thought of me?

I never realized how completely FORGETTABLE I am until recently. I've never felt so lonely, lost, and left out of things by people who I thought were my best friends. I just don't get it. I don't know what's happened, and I'm actually afraid to talk about it with my friends because I think already that they will say I am overreacting and that if I want to be included more I should come out more. Well, I come out as much as I can. It's a little hard to have a social life when you are a single parent, but I suppose not many people think about that, because all the "single" parent friends I have have boyfriends or girlfriends anyway. But not me. All alone.

What a depressing state of affairs I am in. I plan on going down to the coffee shop downtown in a little bit to sit there and write my zombie story for as long as I can before dinner, and hopefully doing something productive will make me feel better, and maybe I'll get to talk to someone at least.

You'd think that with all the time I spend by myself I would be a little more productive with my writing and get something done, maybe get something published one of these days. I guess we shall see. I guess I should just stop watching TV so much and get more down to the business of writing, but again, another complaint: My hands, wrists, and arms have really been starting to hurt me a lot lately with all the writing I actually have been doing, which isn't a whole lot, but it's certainly a lot more than usual. Oh, no carpal tunnel for me, please. Please. Please.

Maybe more later tonight, maybe not. If so, let's hope, you and me, that it's a little more uplifting than this.